Wind Blows Deeply

I said: we’re too far apart and I can hide stuff way too well via email.
She said: you could hide stuff way too well when you were here too dear.
And she was right. My whole life could be falling apart and I wouldn’t tell a soul. So here it goes.

I’ve been finding work really hard to adjust to, I think you’ve caught onto that.
Someone else mentioned that by my emails, it appeared I was settling in quite well. That is not entirely true.
Don’t get me wrong. I knew what I was getting myself into. This was and still is voluntary. I can be a hospital pharmacist without this residency, but I think the extra knowledge and experience is invaluable.

I’ve been finding it hard to exist without a “group” — without community. Thinking about things, it looks as though I associate group with church. So I guess my difficultly with no group stems from the fact that I haven’t found a church to settle into yet.

So I’m reading My utmost for His highest this morning and I come across a line in the devotional:

“[the spiritual saint] sees everything he is dumped down in as the means to securing the knowledge of Christ”

When I was younger I prayed that I might see. I didn’t pray that I might see a specific thing, just that God would let me see. And it worked. I saw incredible things. Although I prayed for something and knew (had faith) that it would happen, I didn’t really know what it was that I was praying for. I thought it a gift, but I found the result to be overwhelming. So I stopped praying to be able to see. Perhaps I’m taking Chambers’ sentence out of context … but I think he is saying something parallel to what I once prayed for.