Wind Blows Deeply

UPDATED … see extended entry

So most of you who know me know that I generally love those ice-breaker games when you have to tear off toilet paper or grab gummy bears (gotta love alliteration), and then have to say something about yourself for each square of toilet paper or gummy bear in your hands. I love taking lots, not because I like to talk about myself, but I really want to get to know people. I figure if I provide an array of scintillating tidbits, then there should be some common ground for the basis of future conversations.
I think some people figure that I share a bit too much – and, quite honestly, that same thought has crossed my own mind. But it’s mainly just superficial fluff – my mask, if you will.
This whole thing has been a prologue. A prologue to a potential post that was an email in another life. An email that was the answer to, ‘how’s your heart?’. As I wrote my response to that question, many things were straightened out for me. As though the issue was worked through. In the end I was able to say that my heart was well.
I’m still not sure about posting my response. It would need names and places omitted and quite a bit of editting before I felt comfortable putting it up for the world. But that’s how I am. Fairly selective about what I let out – despite appearances to the contrary.

The Revised Email

So I’ve ‘liked’ Dave (all names/places have been changed) on and off for quite a while now. It’s never been ‘my boyfriend Dave’ or ‘my lover Dave’, it’s always been ‘my friend Dave’ when he’s introduced to my friends. In my head however, I’ve longed for it to grow into an ‘us’ … into more than just my friend Dave.

So, since I’ve liked this boy, we’ve caught glimpses of each other’s soul, so perhaps that is where this slight obsession comes from. However, Dave moved away, beyond easy visiting distance, and our conversations took the form of email (for the most part). But recently, he has been more difficult to keep in touch with. I chalked it up to where he was in his career and the general busy-ness of life.

Although I would love for us to be more than friends who have a good chat now and then, I know that if anything were to happen, we really would have to get to know each other fairly well first. To know all the little daily events and personal quirks and the stuff that ends up in the general conversation of life, and not just the deep soul bits.

But I’m at the point now where I’ve let go (it sure has taken me long enough). I have not let go of Dave, or our friendship, but I’ve let go of romantic possibilities. I know Dave loves where he is, I sincerely hope he loves his career (despite the normal frustrations) and I hope he’s found a person he loves as well.

Honestly, in a way, I am a bid sad that I didn’t have the opportunity to see what could have happened with me and Dave (in the romantic sense). I’m not sure quite how to describe it, but it’s almost like when you have something that’s so amazing, or so cool and you just have to show it to other people or get it for them … you can’t just keep it to yourself. I’ve been blessed with some amazing conversations with Dave about God and change and church and much more — it’s almost like I’ve caught glimpses of his soul. I can’t keep him only to myself, so to speak. So if he’s found a girlfriend, someone with whom he can share much more of his soul with than he did with me, I know that she too will be blessed by him.

So that is how my heart is. Perhaps much better today that it has been for quite some time.

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