Doubt
It seems that whenever change, massive amounts of change, is about to happen I develop a proportional amount of doubt.
For instance, my upcoming move and job change.
I wonder if I’ll even like my job. And if I’m not satisfied in my new job, is it mostly my attitude or is it that my profession isn’t my passion?
I fret about finding a new place to live and trying to sublet my current place.
I question why I’m leaving a church that I absolutely love.
I wonder about my friendships that I’ve cultivated over the past two years, and some that I’ve begun only in the past few months.
I’ve done this whole thing before, and the first six months were some of the roughest times I’ve ever gone through. So while I’m stressed at my current job, I wonder about the stress of starting all over again. It’s almost like I keep trying to talk myself into it … or like I’m talking myself out of the whole thing. I keep telling myself that it’s not in my hands.
That’s all. I doubt. I doubt a lot about a lot of things. I’m usually willing to tell just about anyone anything. But there are certain things, like my doubts for example, that I keep a little more covered.
hey girl, I know all about doubting. I wish I knew more intimately where you are at, but that’s hard since I’ve never even been able to visit you where you are. I was talking a bit about this with Lisa Enns and some of the girls, and we came to the conclusion (?) that we’ll never know why some things happen. Sometimes things happen that confuse us, and we wonder “how is this possibly benefiting me, or why did this happen?” but sometimes it’s not about us… sometimes we’re put somewhere for someone else. Maybe you were brought to Winnepeg for someone else, or maybe you’re being brought to Regina for something else. You never know. You just have to go with the flow.
My prayers are with you, my dear.
Oh boy am I with you on this one. Last night talking with a few (and really only a few, like 3 total — wish I could take advantage of opportunities like last night to ask older people more questions about stuff like this and get some more stories from people cuz it helps a lot to know I, and others my age, are not alone in this) women about their struggles in knowing if they are where they were meant to be or if they are going where they were meant to be going and if they’re using their lives as it was meant to be used etc etc etc I understood better than perhaps I ever have thus far that the reasons for things are beyond me and that I can’t be so selfish as to constantly ask why and what’s in this for me. It’s just as Crys said above, sometimes things happen not for us and not about us but for other people. I wonder how my petulant struggle to figure out the whys as they pertain to me have adversely affected what was meant to be my impact on another person. I’m so very selfish sometimes I think . . .
As for your move, I hope it all goes okay and I hope you get a sense of peace about the whole thing (a peace that just solidifies everything for you). Some of us will have to pile into a car one weekend and visit you. And if you ever need to drive to here for a day to get a break you’ve always got friends here!
Thanks gals. I understand and know what you are saying on an intellectual level, and it’s almost become a mantra, but it still hasn’t sunk in yet.
On other notes, Caro has just left the 200th comment. She was also the first one to leave a comment (way back on March 27/04).
that’s cool! and yeah, the sinking in part is the tough part (still sinking into my dense skull!)